As I lay myself to sleep, I could feel every single one of his words stroke a different part of my body. His laughter was like a kiss on my temple. The way he always tried to be right; a finger trace underneath the curve of my hip. Asking me if I was okay; a hand around my ankle. Telling me that I was better than I believed; his chin against my belly button. Rest, touch, his presence killjoy to my sweet dreams sending me back into a world of remembrance.
He made me remember more things than should have been allowed. When I closed my eyes at night, I saw other darknesses. His eyes looking into a world that I hadn’t meant for anyone except myself. His lips a finely shaped key. A key which he used to unlock all my secrets, and no matter how hard I beat him, how hard I begged him, there he was; Keeper of the key. Unlocked, unraveled, he spun me in the rain and I felt lighting bolts strike me from every direction. I could hear every drop falling until he locked me in his arms. Still, I spun.
I tried again, to sleep. yet, right besides me his warmth lingered. It spread over my belly so I held my breath. Dry mouth, wet lashes. Then I came back down because I knew eventually it would ache. And ache it did. Softly first, to a hardness that made me want to yell his name. Not in pleasure, not in anger, just as a reassurance that the energy he left behind would hear it. An ache that made me realize that no one would hold me, and indeed I was all alone underneath my sheets.
But that’s okay. Because in my thoughts as I lay myself down to sleep, I am alone and the play-keeper is out at the moment. The Do Not Disturb sign mounted with plaster.
Sleep, I can’t wait to feel you hold me.
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