For Shits & Giggles

You’ll always have my love.

Didn’t I tell you that last time you left me?

Even when you chose him over me, didn’t I open my arms when you ran straight to me? Or the time when I wiped away your tears because he had broken your heart again? Thank God you didn’t know how bad I wanted to break every bone in his body. But I didn’t. Instead, I held you in my lap, kissed the baby hairs on your head. You asked me to say something. I didn’t know what to say, yet I spoke until you slept. When you woke I hadn’t moved a muscle. Not because I wasn’t tired. On the contrary, my bed would have been the sweetest release. Yet I didn’t dare leave your side. You needed me, and I needed you to need me.

Because I love you. It didn’t matter that you never really loved me. It didn’t matter that I knew I would never be able to hold you and feel your equivalent of holding me back. I just needed to hold you.

When I saw you walking down the aisle, your hair perfect just like your face, the dress that I immediately wanted to take off, layer by layer, at the same time wanting to scream. How bad I wanted to run away. I stayed.

I watched you as you leaned into him, and kissed him the way I had dreamt you’d kiss me when you finally realized, no one would love you the way I would always love you.

xoxox

Lindsay Reva