Never Say Never… Unless

Never forget what others have done for you in the past. Even if you’ve moved on, or they’ve moved on from you, never forget their smile.

Never forget the sweetness in their voice when you saw them with their guards all the way down. Never forget that surprised look in their eyes when they realized something they said hurt you. Never forget that they had never meant to hurt you. Never forget they too are human and flawed and recklessly beautiful.

Never forget that somewhere along the line of your relationship they wanted you to rise, to succeed, to just be happy. Even if only for a moment, a moment can last an eternity. Never forget; if they could feel hate, surely they can feel love.

Never forget when they stood by your side. Whether it was a walk through the park, or a walk to visit you in prison. Never forget that their footsteps can echo just like yours.

Never forget that they were young, reckless, and inexperienced. Never forget that they aren’t getting any younger and one day they will return from where they came. Never forget the last sentiments you exchanged.

Never forget that no matter how much you think they despise you, the right words could make them admire you.

And while you’re at it… you should probably forget that idiotic word: Never.

Xoxox

Lindsay Reva

Before I Found God

I looked into the mirror and couldn’t recognize who I had become.

Tiredness lined my eyes like charcoal eyeliner. There was something about my jaw that reminded me of concrete. Soft, where did you go? Peace, please come back to me.

I decided to take a walk down to the beach in hopes that the waves would wash away my feelings. As I walk out the door with my wine colored overcoat and black boots, I remembered that I hadn’t eaten all day. Food could wait. My impatience couldn’t. Step after step, I passed a tourist who looked happy and held by bliss. Children ran after one another, one started to cry. Cars went by. slowly. The world continues to revolve. As I reach the beach’s common foot traffic I slowed my pace and tried to slow my heart rate. Step after step, beat after beat.

The sunset was far but I could see a pinch of faded orange in the corners of the sky. I couldn’t believe how many people were out in the water playing despite the cold temperatures. Laughter reached my ears and I looked at a young blossoming girl with brown curly hair run after a boy who could have been her brother. It reminded me of how I use to love chasing after my brother when I too was just a child. Now I only chased dreams.

Seagulls walked the shores looking for food in the sand. I wanted to see one raise up and fly straight to the sun. Up, up, and away. The birds continued on the sandy grounds.

As I continued down the board walk I took in the people who sat on benches and looked to the waters. Some of them stared back at me. When our eyes met I felt I had intruded on their secret thoughts, just for a moment until they looked away. My eyes left them and continued to the next. I couldn’t help but assess what they were wearing in hopes that I could see a part of who they were. Soft velvet stared at the overcast sky. Jeans and plaid looked straight ahead. Black button up sank their eyes into the ground.

On and on I walked thinking about how emotions make us do the damnest things. I took one deep breath and curb the urge to drop to my knees and cry. A skate boarder rode by and barely touched my coat at the elbow. I wished I could have absorbed his happiness, but he rode on and my sadness remained constant. I stopped in my tracks and turned to the sea.

A lovely oceanic horizon pleaded below a dull sky. It would have been nice to walk straight into the water, farther than the waves, past the surfers who sat bobbing up and down, until I was alone enveloped in the body of a current that could only carry me farther from reality.

How did I get here? I blinked away my delusions and looked to my left at the setting sun. It was still too bright to not squint. If I had wings I wouldn’t be like those stupid seagulls. I’d fly straight to you, sun. Straight and without hesitation. All around me sounds of life rang. Families speaking in tones of normality. Lovers making promises in silent glances. Children soaked in innocence. Life was brilliant and it didn’t give a damn how sad you were.

I turned away. Took a deep breathe.

One step at a time, I walked further into the path of being lost.

Xoxox

Lindsay Reva

2018 Bye Bye

I feel a huge change coming with 2019.

Epic. Maybe not so bad… No. Just the next step to get me one step closer to being who I was born to be.

I use to think I knew myself after I went through a huge loss. Then something new happened, and again I felt another kind of loss. A surprise almost. So… No big surprise even though it was a surprise. We lose things and at the same time gain two-fold. Or the opposite.

But I can feel the enormity coming with the new year like a storm or grey sky right before the rain and lightning hit.

We can only hope that tomorrow will be better than yesterday, and I can only hope 2019 will be my best year to date. Yet 2018 is going to be hard to surpass. Today someone asked me what was my greatest accomplishment from 2018. That’s easy.

Heiva San Diego was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. My creation survived and went beyond my expectations. I could feel a piece of the Mana in the air. Exactly why I created it in the first place. Yes, the Heiva SD was wonderful. How the hell am I going to surpass that next year? Easy. The Alliance Francaise de San Diego is also one of my fondest accomplishments. When you create a plan and see it executed, succeed, and continue how addicting the rewards are. The awkward French school has finally become my Charming Langue de Francaise school. 2018 represented hard work, commitment, and sacrifice on every level.

It was hard working till 2-3 in the morning. It was hard being thrown into a position to act like you know what you’re doing even though you’re totally unprepared (thank God the sharks couldn’t smell my fear). I’ve been committed to my dreams and aspirations. Nothing could have swayed that. Stronger than titanium, baby. and the sacrifice? Well, all that work, all that commitment; made me lose a piece of myself. And when you lose yourself, is that not the biggest sacrifice one can afford?

2018 was all about doing things for other people in order to bring me closer to the top. Proving myself.  2019 will be different.

I will always be available as long as someone needs my help. Kindness is not a must, it’s my core. But going into the new year I will no longer sacrifice myself for the means of others. My happiness is just as important as my dreams, my aspirations, and especially those of someone else. Do I deserve happiness? Yes, 2019. I do.

Peace be with you

xoxox

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Number 1004o

I sat on the cold concrete floor and remembered how warm my hand had felt as he held it.

My palms weren’t even sweaty as they should have been. As they had always been, but instead completely dry and balance. Nothing to take away and nothing to add. I wasn’t afraid or lost as he led me down the path and we sat on a bench overlooking the dark blue sea. I remember thinking about how handsome he looked with the suns glow illuminating his cheekbones. He was stunning, he was rare. How the hell did he become the one to hold a hand like mine?

The floor was so very cold. It made me hurt. Still, it didn’t hurt as much as the memories did. Especially when I remember how he used to look at me.

We sat on that bench with the cliffs below us, burnt roses in the sky. Everything disappeared when he placed his hand in mine. His eyes, my eyes. One thousand words exchanged in one glance. Infinite meaning spoke in silence. I could have stared at him until the stars arrived and disappeared again. Who even needed stars when I had his shining eyes? 

I was tired of sitting on the hard floor. I wondered when I would feel my legs again. It didn’t matter though, nothing did. I was far, far away from anything which was once good. I was far from how subtle a kiss on his lips would taste.

His hand on my hair, up against my skull and the breeze had nothing on his fingers caress. Human beings were meant to be close. Closer and closer we crept. It’s funny how you think you’re so close to someone you can hear their heartbeat. But really, it was my own. We met half way, our lips the borderline. He had to keep his eyes open and I had to shut mine. 

I tried to make shapes out of the stains on the cold hard floor. But they would always come back to blood and filth reality. So I shut my eyes and wondered why I always had them closed when something as magnificent could have ever taken one step in front of me.

He held me and I let him take me. Why did he always feel like an extension of my thoughts? How did he know how I liked to be touched when I myself had no clue at all. Birds flew above, people passed on trails. He stood our ground. I defended our touch. 

I opened my eyes again and couldn’t believe I wasn’t in his arm. I couldn’t believe how cold and hard the ground felt. How lonely life can be. The other prisoners screamed down the hall. I shut my eyes and closed my ears, wondering if he had found someone new. Something more than what we could have had…

The sun had dropped and the light was almost gone. Still, we held on to each other, neither of us daring to ask for the time. He whispered in my ear, ” I don’t want to go.”   And I wouldn’t have let him. He kissed me on my neck. I kissed him on his cheek. We kissed each other gently on the lips. Clouds, sun, stars all passed. We continued.

I sat on the cold hard concrete and remembered where I was. Where I was…was nowhere. And where he was, I was never going back.

Slowly with time, Prisoner 1004 forgot what it was like to have a heart full of love. 
Eventually, the concrete floor no longer felt cold to her Either.

xoxox

Lindsay Reva

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I, Human

It’s nice outside sitting in the sunlight.

Makes me remember to feel. Not like how I feel tired, grumpy, possibly hungry. Anyone can do that. I mean, really feel.

Like the way colors touch me when they’re nice and bright or even subtle. Like when I take that first sip of almond milk caramel latte which I treat myself when even my soul starts feeling tired; that sip makes me feel a little bit more alive. Like when I take a walk in the park alone with my headphones in my ears, what it does to me when I see children laughing, flowers blooming all to my special beats.

It’s nice to finally feel.

Xoxox

Lindsay Reva

Escapism

All that existed was my belief.

Even when they told me I was no good, the voice in my head, somewhere down, down and deep on the trampled floors told me I was good. I had these images pass through my mind. As fast and unforgettable as a single lighting bolt in a black sky.

All though I was amongst the worse of our kind, and even though I was trapped in the gutters. I believed. In and out I breathed it. Up and down they threw me.

I believed because I could see something greater within my mind, and I could feel it in my heart. Thump. Thump. Thump. They told me imagination was for the fools. They told me that the only thing that matter was the reality. If that was the case, then why the hell did these pictures come to me in the middle of the night when my head lay against my dirty pillow, flashes cleaner than snow, smoother than water, slicker than ice. Still, they told me I was wrong. And everything inside told me I was right.

They looked at me like I was scum. The person I saw in my head was far from scum. She was brilliant, she was bold. Like no one I had ever seen in my life. Who was this person? And why did she have my face and yet look nothing like me? The way she set her jaw, was nothing like how I set my own. Why couldn’t I set my jaw like her?

How much I would give to be just like that. I would die for her. I would sell my soul for her. She has power without even saying a word. All it took was a simple glance in absolute silence. In all my fuss and fits, I had nothing…

They scorned me and I walked away. As I do I close my eyes and I see her bright like an open flame in the desert sky. The darkness made her brilliant. If only I could have a tenth of her light. Even a pinch of her would wash away my bruised and battered ego. If she wanted, she could burn down the walls to every single one of my minds prisons.

She had strength in her backbone. You could see it in the way she stood.

She was me. She was my belief. Then why the hell was she always escaping from my reality?

Because you let her.

xoxox

Lindsay Reva.

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For Shits & Giggles

You’ll always have my love.

Didn’t I tell you that last time you left me?

Even when you chose him over me, didn’t I open my arms when you ran straight to me? Or the time when I wiped away your tears because he had broken your heart again? Thank God you didn’t know how bad I wanted to break every bone in his body. But I didn’t. Instead, I held you in my lap, kissed the baby hairs on your head. You asked me to say something. I didn’t know what to say, yet I spoke until you slept. When you woke I hadn’t moved a muscle. Not because I wasn’t tired. On the contrary, my bed would have been the sweetest release. Yet I didn’t dare leave your side. You needed me, and I needed you to need me.

Because I love you. It didn’t matter that you never really loved me. It didn’t matter that I knew I would never be able to hold you and feel your equivalent of holding me back. I just needed to hold you.

When I saw you walking down the aisle, your hair perfect just like your face, the dress that I immediately wanted to take off, layer by layer, at the same time wanting to scream. How bad I wanted to run away. I stayed.

I watched you as you leaned into him, and kissed him the way I had dreamt you’d kiss me when you finally realized, no one would love you the way I would always love you.

xoxox

Lindsay Reva

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Stepping Stone

There will always be people who point out your mistakes and judge you.

Take that attention they place on your flaws and let it be the first point of your success. You will surpass what they thought of you, you will overcome their judgments, and especially their expectations.

Their word is the first marker.

Proving them wrong will be the last.

Now stop wasting time and GET TO WORK!

xoxox

Lindsay Reva

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